LILT: Rein Raus 2.0

I've also taken on board Drax's ideas with Rein Raus:

I am the rider
You are my mount
When I'm on you
Your fate is bound
You moan
I soothe you
But the beast rampages through

Rein Raus

I am the hunter
You are my prey
I had you running
Now you're at bay
You hit the wall
I go straight through
And all is right when I open you

Rein Raus

Deeper, deeper
Shout it! Shout it loud!
Deeper, deeper
I'm there pounding, and hit your core
And all the thunderous beasts start to roar

I'm finished with you
You're now free
I dismount
I have to leave
There are others waiting that I must run
They're all part of my eternal hunt

Rein raus

Rein (deeper)
Raus (deeper)

[I am the rider
You are my horse
When I take you
It's done by force
You sob
I smile
As your gentleness was never my style]

[discuss]

I originally had that 'Shout it loud!' in the first draft and replaced it, so that's one we were always going to agree on. The 'And all the thunderous beasts start to roar' line isn't quite what he suggested, but only because I replaced his offered 'begin' with 'start'.

Moral: This kind of support is worth more to a composer/creator/writer/artist/etc. than anything else. Note to those of you who don't take constructive criticism well: never turn down help, even if it means (god forbid) losing the perception that you can do no wrong.