Drax from the Herzeleid forums has very kindly tried my lyrics on for size, and has come up with some excellent alterations that ensure the words track better when sung. I'm edgy about line one and haven't changed that yet, but I've adopted all of his suggestions past that:
Her breaststroke's beauty to behold
It lets me see into her soul
I'm overtaken by her allure
I pursue a longed-for overture
From her loin comes a great heat
It explodes and then retreats
Fire and water can never be one
There's no fusion, they will not succumb
I have to shiver and seethe alone
And in the water I'm burned
In water I'm burned
Wet skin's beauty to behold
It vows to swallow and enfold
As her long legs move apart
The darkest cavern of her heart
Reveals to me her shadowed fire
An icy abyss for my desire
She glides by me without a glance
I'm her shadow, without a chance
I have no hope left and should have none, 'cause
Fire and water can never be one
There's no fusion, they will not succumb
I have to shiver and seethe alone
And in the water I'm burned
In water I'm burned
Her strokes cause waves that surge right through me
Yet every move from her eschews me
I reach for her with cold wet hands
And she will forever elude me
Understand
Fire and water can never be one
There's no fusion, they will not succumb
I have to shiver and seethe alone
And in the water I'm burned
In water I'm burned
[discuss]
He's also sent me advice about Rein Raus, which I'll go over shortly. This kind of feedback is priceless. Thanks Drax!
Your quite welcome, and I hope that your Till-ogical experiment continues to progress nicely!
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